PLEASE someone try and help me figure out what is inside my head.
I feel weird today. I've been feeling weird a lot lately. Is my mind trying to tell me something? I can't figure it out. I'm scared shitless. And I am overly excited at the same exact time. Are you going to leave me again? A risk I'm taking. I just hate remembering what you did to me. How I felt. Now this doubt is inside my head that I'm going to be there again someday. Will you do it to me again? I mean you didn't think that you would the last time, and yet you did. I'm going crazy. Trying to refocus. I still feel pain. You're not even around. I miss you. I feel like that's what our relationship consists of. Missing each other.
You touch me in a way that no one else can. That no one else ever has. Your smile can make all my worries disappear. Your touch can make my knees weak. Your presence can make my stomach flutter. Your words steal my heart away. I have never loved someone so intensely. I am so afriad of losing this again. I'm so afraid that it's going to fall away again. Everything just change again. I'm so scared tonight.

Song on repeat: Justin Timerlake "Another Song(All Over Again)"
You've been alone, you've been afraid
I've been a fool
In so many ways
but I would change my life
If you thought you, might try to love me
So please give me another chance
To write you another song
And take back those things I've done
Cause I'll give you my heart
If you would let me start all over,
Again
I'm not a saint
I'm just a man
Who had heaven and Earth
In the palm of his hand
but I threw it away
So now I stand here today asking forgiveness and if you could just please
Give me another chance
to write you another song
And take back those thing's I've done
Cause I'll give you my heart
If you would let me start all over
AgainLittle girl you're all I've got.
Don't you leave me standing here once again?
'Cause I'll give you my life
Yes I would.
If you would let me try to love you
So please give me another chance to write you another song and take back those thing's I've done
'Cause I'll give you my heart
If you would let me start all over
Again
Again, oh,no no ohh
You know I love you, yeah
give me one more chance
No no, no no no no

Nonsense

Is it wierd that I feel like I need this keyboard right now for my sanity? Is it wierd that if I couldn't get this all out on paper (or a blog:)) that I'd lose my mind? I don't really care. This is me expressing my emotions right now. Uncensored, because that's how I fuckin roll.

"If I get it all down on paper then it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to."

SOOOO... You don't know how I feel about you. I make you feel like shit. And I feel like I do SO much wrong. Hm. Where do we go from here? I feel like I can't say anything because I never know how it's going to make you feel or if you're going to get mad at me. I feel like I have been working on so much, and am doing so well, but nothing is ever good enough for you. It's almost like you want me to be a perfect being. Someone that says things perfectly. Feels perfectly. Thinks perfectly. I just want to be me.
I think that we could work out. But we have so much to work on. And I'm not even sure if you're going to stick around. I'm honestly not sure. All that's happened this last few months can't just vanish from my mind. It can't just go away. This is how I feel. This is how I think. It's going to take awhile. And I will never be perfect, do things perfectly, or say things perfectly.
When I weigh the pros and cons I feel like this relationship is worth it, but I don't know that you feel the same way. I have felt different for so long.
It doesn't help that we're not together. That we never get to see each other. That we never really get to bond. I want to move down there. I really, truly, fully-heartedly want to move down there and be with you. I wonder if you feel the same way? If you want it as bad as I do?
This long distance thing isn't real. This isn't how things are or would be. Being a 1,000 miles apart ALL the time isn't realistic.

My mind is spinning. My thoughts are gumbled. This blog doesn't even make any sense so I'm stopping.

Road tripssssssss

How refreshing.

How releasing.

How calming.

Great people.

Great times.

Road trips are sanity.

Feels so [good]

YoYoYo!

Big day today. I know I've talked before about how I feel like I realize a lot of stuff about myself every day, well hot damn sam was today a day!! I have lost all the life inside of me recently. Seriously. I feel like all of my personality, all of what I was made of was just power sucked right out of me for some reason. I used to be all smiles, all laughs, all giggles. For the last few months I've just been all sally sissy pants, blah! DUMB! haha. Ohhh---Emmm---Geee. I FEEL AMAZING! I have missed myself so much. I have let so many negative emotions take over me. So much stuff that I am not. I was so lost. I let go of myself. I turned into someone I did not even know. Someone I definitely was not happy with being. WOWZIE, do I feel loads better at this exact moment. I am happy. I am cheerful. I am human. And I am me. I am unbelieveably ready to go at my life full force and just take it as it comes.
I have had great challenges in front of me. Being around negativity, anger, hate, jealousy every day. Living with this. It's okay now though, because I have found myself and am holding on this time. I control me. I am where I am in my life and this is what I have to work with. I still have control over how I react to the situation though. This is what I have chosen.
I am funny.
I am happy.
I laugh.
I smile.
I live.
I know how to appreciate these feelings because I have felt the other.
I have found myself.
Today I have done this.
Thank you, Lord.
Thank you to everyone that has helped me through this rough patch in my life.

\/ <3>

Storms will fade..

......
I have a stage 5 (stolen from Wedding Crashers) clinger cat AND co-worker. Yes, I am comparing my co-worker to my cat. Bellah, my cat, always has to be sitting on me. Or if she is sitting beside me she has to have her paw on me. Cute sometimes, annoying others. I feel like my co-worker does the same thing. But with him it's just always annoying. I honestly think he may be the dumbest person. Maybe not book dumb, but not comprehending rejection dumb. Whatevs, dude. You'll get it one day. *fingers crossed*
......
This is a very discovering time in my life about myself. Every day I see something new. Something I feel like is so essential to who I am becoming. It's amazing. I am thankful for this. I am thankful for these feelings.
......
"Live" --- my tattoo. It helps to remind me not to get caught up in places people think that they can put me. It reminds me to be in control of my own life. To live passionately. To take chances.
......
People will be people. That's what you always told me. So, I guess that I shouldn't have expected anything more of you.
I know that one day, hopefully soon, that you won't be on my mind. That I won't have to spill you out into my blogs.
God, be with me.

Broken Hearts

It amazes me how you can move on so quickly. And quit trying to tell me that you're not, because I'm not fucking stupid. I believe that you never really loved me like you said you did. If you loved me that way, you wouldn't be able to feel this way toward someone else already. You're probably feeding her the same lines as you did me. Telling her the same jokes. It appears you two belong together. At least she lives in the same state as you. That'll make it easier since it appeared you couldn't handle the distance. I don't know how you'll ever be at ease, not knowing where we could have gone. I've accepted it now. Knowing that you could have obviously never taken me where I want to go in my life. Who you are, is not who I thought you were. That's my only probelm; is letting go of the person I thought you were. The person I thought you were would have never done this though. Would not be where he is right now. Drooling over someone you met TWO days after you dumped me. Say what you want. Make yourself feel better. Whatever gets you by. No one will ever love you like I did. You threw it away. You didn't have the strength to go on. But I hope that you find someone that really does love you. It sucks that there is karma though. This will all bite you in the ass some day.
This ass will never be yours again. You'll never feel my embrace. You're never going to have an ounce of me again. You've made this decision. I tried. I fought. You'll never know. This makes me sick. This mess you've made. You say it's been the last few months. You didn't talk to me about it. You may have said something once, and I was already so far down that I couldn't try to do things differently AT THE TIME. Then the only lines you fed me were how much you wanted to marry me, how much you loved me, about how the only way we'd ever depart would be my doing. Well now things are changing, and now you're not around. I will find someone that loves me. That truly loves me. Someone that deserves me. Keep your trash and forget about me. When you get your heart broken, when you figure out that she's nothing close to what I am, when you see that she won't be a good mother to your children, when you realize that she won't take care of you when you're old, know that someone else will have my love. Someone that deserves it. Someone that will appreciate it. Someone that won't just throw it away like it meant nothing. I am going to find someone that loves me. I am not going to look though. I am going to enjoy my self. I am going to enjoy my life. I am going to enjoy that people that love me. I will find him, but I will find him when I'm supposed to. When I'm ready. And not just find someone tempoaray to cover up what you've done to me. I will feel this. And it will make me an even stronger person that I already was. My face will haunt you. :)

New

Hello, wonderful world! :)
I think that I'm going to start a new blog, but for tonight this is going to do.
I read through a few of my old posts. One word, WOW! Was I depressed. These last few months have been hard and trying, but here I am still alive and more RadIaNt than ever. Something that I have learned from all that I've been through; that in the toughest of times, when I'm down so low that I can't even see light, I make it. I make it through, and not only do I make it through, but it takes me to a better place in life. BUT something that I don't normally do is make it truly through. I usually get side-tracked. I usually find something temporary, something short-term to take my mind off of feeling the pain. I think that it's right at the time, but it's really not. It feels good. It is a temporary high. Temporary being the key word. Short-term healers don't work out long-term, but they sure do a good job at distracting. SO this time what I am doing is NOT going AROUND, but FEELING this pain that I need to feel. I need to feel this to get me to where I want to be. I don't need something to temporarily make me feel good. I actually don't NEED anything at all. (Well okay, shush, besides food, water, air, and shelter, OH and thank you, Anatomy, pressure. (Yes, we also need pressure to survive.)) Okay, ADD, back on track.. I am going THROUGH this obstacle course this time, not around. I am feeling this. I am feeling the hurt, the anger, the sadness, the loneliness. And I am surviving. I will one day find what I want, and it will all be worth it. I know that this is temporary. These feelings that I feel are not permanent, and with time will fade into a healed wound. But, the thing is that it will actually be healed, not sidetracked, not scabbed waiting to be ripped off, but healed. .. Oh what I have already learned about this life at my young age. I know heart break. I know sadness. I know sorrow. I know loneliness. I feel like without knowing these that I could not truly appreciate the other side of the spectrum. So thank you to everyone that has tried to break me, whether purposely or not. Thank you for pushing me higher.
....Wowzie, I can't believe you're still reading this. I should research techniques on keeping peoples' attention during blogging, because all that I do is poor my heart out onto this worn-out keyboard.

Anywhos:) So here I am.
I am keeping my current job, which rocks.
I just applied for a couple waitressing jobs for the summer. (As a 2nd job)
I am going to lay out and go to the beach all summer. :D .. oh and a few other places;)
I enrolled in a summer class yesterday.
My goal is to get into the LPN program in the Spring semester, then transition to RN.
Or go straight into the RN program in a year from this Fall semester.
Either way, I am right on track with my grades.
The Teas I am nervous as sh*t about, but have faith and confidence that it will work out.
I am full time this Fall semester, when I will be completing all of my pre-reqs for nursing.
I am currently apartment shopping.
Trying to figure out whether to live in Indy or Lafayette.
Going to live by myself, FINALLY! :):)
Taking my two kitties and once I find a place, will get a puppy.
So excited to decorate my own place though.
And have all my friends over. ;)

I am currently obsessed with my Wii. I have got 2 games within the last week and have beat them. I play almost constantly if I'm not with my friends or at work. I am a nerd, I know. :)
Don't make fun, but been contemplating buying WoW. Reallllllly enjoy that game.
Am currently saving my money for a Mac. Can you even play WoW on a Mac? I guess I should look into what kind of gaming systems they are.


Randomsidenote: I about pee-ed my pants twice tonight. NoNoNo, not because I can't control my bladder, but because I was laughing too hard. I am surrounded by such amazing people. :)


Okie dokie, jokie.
I think that you and I have had enough for tonight.
Thanks for reading.
Stay safe usually is my motto, but been considering changing it to 'Have fun!'
So with that,

Have fun!
.....maybe try to stay safe while doing so. :)



P.S. Some wonder how I still believe in love, but I despite their wonders I am still a firm believer.

I have a headache.
I am tired.
I have also been thinkinnnnnnnngg.
Well attempting to think that is.
Trying to figure things out.
Get back on track with my happiness.
I have felt depressed the last couple of weeks.
Which, for me, is w.e.i.r.d.
I love my friends.
Things in my life get complicated.
I go here.
I go there.
But wherever I am, I know that those two girls would always have my back.
That they would always do anything to put a smile across my face.
I cry.
I frown.
I don't like being here,
but when I'm away I miss it so dearly.
Am I crazy? Maybe so.
Who's to judge anyway.
I miss him.
To the point where it's unhealthy.
I miss you so much, babe, that I just want to lay in my bed all the time and watch movies and pretend that you're there. Cuddled up right behind me. Holding me so close. Like everything in this world doesn't matter. Like nothing is ever really that bad, as long as I have you. Like nothing can touch me. Like nothing can touch us. I lay here and I pretend. But you're not here. you're not here to hold me. I don't know that nothing can touch us. I don't know that I'm safe. This isn't healthy.
But I am scared. I am afriad that if I let go a little bit and allow myself to breath without you, that you'll fall away.
That what I feel for you will slip.
I am afriad that then this won't feel real.
That I will let go too much.
I want you to stay.
I miss you.
I want you.
I need you here with me.
My chest is heavy without you around.
Every breath I take is hard.
Takes so much effort.
Why do I do this?
Why am I here?
I need you.
Sometimes my mind gets the best of me.
I get scared that I can't last.
That one day I am just not going to be strong enough.
Strong enough to be a soldier's girlfriend.
Strong enough for this distance between us.
Strong enough to let my heart beat without you.
I need to stand back up.
But I just want to lay here.
Watching movies.
Pretending like you're right here with me.

Thank you

I am literally the luckiest girl of existence.

My boyfriend is AMAZING. He is always dominating my mind. I hate that the Army is forcing us to be so far apart right now, but know that it is worth every breath that we take apart from one another. I never knew that a man like him truly existed, and I could never be happier except to spend my life with him.

I'm coming home to you in July, baby. Just a few more short months. Please be waiting for me. You are my world. You are my sunshine. I can't wait to start our lives together.

You are my only one.

Thank you for choosing me.

The less violent one*

Calmed down now.
Thank you, significant other.

I'm watching Full House. I don't think I will ever be too old to watch this show. Why do people put age limits on the majority of things any way? I wish that Boy Meets World was still on. I can't ever even find re-runs anymore. I would really enjoy Recess again. And PepperAnn. ...enough with the shows.

Got my hair cut in Miami. I love new hair cuts. It makes my hair feel so much healthier, and I just feel like I just got a fresh start. Wow what a pair of scissors in the correct persons' hands can do. I need my eyebrows waxed. I just started taking a really strong medicine today though, and it says on the package that I can't wax or anything of that nature until I'm off of the medicine for 6 months because it could leave serious scars. Lame :( This medicine better work. And it better not f* with me. I just want my skin to get better. I will be a bride some day, and definitely want to have pretty skin on that special day! :)

I want to find time to start reading my books again. And I want to start making a cook book for Tony and I. Those are my goals for the month of March. Oh, and to be a better person. Not just a better girlfriend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, but I want to be a better person. I need to figure out how to be okay so far away from you. My heart is just always longing for your presence and I can't seem to feel complete without you by my side, wherever that may be.

OH boy, oh boy, wherever to start.

Firstly, went to Miami last weekend. BLASTY BLAST. No joke. I l-o-v-e spending time with my love. He is the best and everyone needs to know that. <3

Been thinking, found some stuff, and have confirmed that I hate you. And you. Yes, both of you. I would actually be happy if one of you died, the other, maybe that's a little much. I hate you. I have so much hate inside of me for you, and I don't know how to let it go. I cannot stand the thought of you. I cannot stand to hear your name. It has been getting to me so much lately, and I have never felt such hate for any one being in my life. Much less for two. WHAT DO I DO? Hire someone to kill you? Thought about, but afraid I would get caught. You're not worth all this energy I'm exerting to you with my hate. You're not worth any ounce of anything actually. You are both the shittest friends and people that anyone could ever run into. I've given you chances, you never change. You use people. You lie. You make up stuff to make yourself look better. To make yourself look like someone you're not. I hate you. You call other people immature, when you're the posting shit that isn't true for everyone to see. If only I were as immature as you, I would re-post to everyone you have said untrue shit to and let them know how things really were. You can keep running your mouth and if people want to believe you, then that's fine. You are the shittest person I know. I wish the worst of everything upon you, and know that eventually you'll get what's coming to you. Talk about me all you want. Make up whatever the fuck you want. Say this to this person, and that to that person. Try to make yourself look better. But leave my loved ones out of it. Keep trying to be someone that you will never succeed at. If I ever see you, I will not be able to hold myself back from beating the shit out of you. And I would be able to. I have so much hate for you.

Wow... I don't even know how to handle myself when I think of the two of you. I don't want to waste any more energy on you. You're not worth anything.

Thinking of the future. Woa.

I've been thinking a LOT lately.

Where will I ever settle down at?
Will a be a good mom?
What will my house look like? Everything I want it to be? Or do I just dream too big?
Will I be a good wife to my husband?
When will I finally be done with school?
What career will I have in the nursing field?
Will I be a good nurse?
Will I go to heaven?
What is heaven?


Can you please answer my questions..
I just keep on wondering, and wondering.

Taking life one day at a time is where I am at right now.
I'm fine with that.
I am learning to be fine with where I am,
and what I have.
To not always be looking for more,
or something better.
But at the same time to not just settle for something mediocre just because that's easy.

So many people take so many things and other individuals for granted.
So many people are unappreciative of what they have and are never truly happy because they're always looking for me.
I don't want that person to be me.